The Consummate Christmas Gift Quest

Image of Toy Story's Woody character

For many holiday shoppers, the Yuletide season morphs into a sacred quest to find the consummate Christmas gift. Every year the retail industry seems to spawn a new product, gadget, trinket or toy which ultimately emerges as the season's Holy Grail of gifts. Most baby boomers will remember the emergence of the Slinky, Lite-Brite, Hot Wheels, Twister, the Easy-Bake Oven, the Hula Hoop and Etch-a-Sketch. If you're of the Gen-X era, you'll probably recall the introduction of Cabbage Patch Kids, the Care Bears and that annoying little shit: Tickle Me Elmo. The Generation Y crowd, on the other hand, were forced to endure Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Transformers and Pokemon. In recent years, the Nintendo Wii was introduced becoming the most popular gift of 2007. I'm a bit puzzled why anorexic Barbie has remained timeless. I'd have thought she'd have chunked up a bit when she bought that new ragtop Vette. That gal's got to be eating greenies by the fistful.

Toy Story is a trilogy of computer animated feature-length films by Pixar Animation Studios and Walt Disney Pictures which tell the stories of anthropomorphic toys who pretend to be lifeless whenever humans happen to be present. Even if you haven't seen any of the films, it would be pretty hard not to have been exposed to the film's protagonists: Woody (Tom Hanks), a pull string talking cowboy doll and Buzz Lightyear (Tim Allen), an astronaut action figure. The Buzz Lightyear action figure, originally manufactured by Thinkway Toys, surged in popularity becoming the most sought after toy of 1996. The Woody action figure, though its success has paled in comparison to Buzz Lightyear, has enjoyed steady consumer demand over the years.

In an effort to put a check mark beside every item on her Christmas shopping list this year, my significant other's Aunt Susan embarked on a quest to locate Sheriff Woody; the Toy Story action figure. According to a reliable source, her quest went more or less like this:

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A pleasant young man answered the telephone. "Good afternoon, Toy 'R Us," the young man said, "How can I help you?"

"You wouldn't happen to have a Woody, would you?" Susan inquired.

"I'm sorry?" the clerk questioned with a puzzled voice, "you're looking for what exactly?"

"A Woody," Susan asserted confidently. "I'm looking for a Woody. Do you have one?" she asked again.

There was a long silence on the phone. Susan thought the young man was checking the inventory on the computer. Now armed with an expanded vocabulary and hindsight, however, Susan suspects the silence was subterfuge.

"What size were you looking for Ma'am?" the clerk asked.

"I need the bigger one. A twelve inch Woody" Susan confirmed. "A six inch one just won't do."

It was at that point in time that her husband Mario, and quite likely the store clerk, burst into hysterical laughter leaving poor Susan in a state of bewilderment.

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A Woody, Susan soon discovered, was not only the name of an animated character in Toy Story; it is also a noun synonymous for an erect male penis. In the interest of Susan's edification, if not for sheer comedic value, a non-canonical offering of penis synonyms follows. Common expressions for the phallus include: the anaconda, the baloney pony, the beef bazooka, the boner, the bratwurst, a chub or chubby, the ding-a-ling, a ding-dong, Donald Pump, dong, donker, dork, fatty, the heat-seeking moisture missile, a johnson, John Thomas, the joystick, the koala basher, kolbasa, knob, Long Dong Silver, the love hog, the love muscle, the love shaft, the love torpedo, the magic wand, the main leg, the main vein, Mr. Happy, Mr. Winky, Old One Eye, the one-eyed trouser snake, the mighty iguana, package, Peter the Great, the plonker, a pocket rocket, the pork sword, a pud, the purple-headed yogurt slinger, the salami, the sausage, the schmeckle, a shlong, the skin-flute, the sperm spout, the sptting cobra, the tally-whacker, a tent pole, the third leg, the throbber, the tonsil tickler, the trouser snake, the tube snake, the tube steak, the twig, the wanger, the willie, and, of course, a woody.

Submitted by Jeff Dubois, 23 December 2012