In Vino Veritas

The expression in vino veritas, found in Erasmus' annotated collection of proverbs Adagia is a Latin phrase which translates to "In wine there is truth". Tacitus, a Roman historian, wrote that the Germanic had a practice of drinking while holding councils, believing it was impossible to lie while drunk. Earlier this month, Green Party leader Elizabeth May attempted to reaffirm the Latin proverb when, in a wine-induced tirade while attending a Parliamentary Press Gallery dinner, she bellowed "Omar Khadr, you've got more class than the whole fucking cabinet". Of course May maintains that she wasn't pissed to the gills but "sleep deprived". Ironically, if she'd have gone home to bed instead of staying out knocking back vino, a lack of sleep (and humour) would not have been an issue. Given Ms. May's comedic shortcomings, I feel compelled to extend the hand of fellowship to offer my service in her obvious hour of need.

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"Don't worry Liz, I've got a solution for you. If that fat bastard Mike Duffy can expect the taxpayer to spend thousands of dollars on a personal trainer and a dietician, then surely the fuck you can engage a humour consultant. Let's analyse that sentence, shall we? And pay attention here Liz, 'cause I don't want to explain this to you twice. Good humour is based on an underlying truth. In the example I've just provided, Mike Duffy's a fat bastard. Of course he's not a 'bastard' in the literal sense; rather, the pejorative qualitatively serves to express one's disdain for the chubby scoundrel. The gratuitous use of the word 'fuck' is acceptable, in the sentence structure, precisely because it's been queued. In other words, Puffster's characterization as a 'fat bastard' is the underlying truth which serves as foreplay to the 'surely the fuck' emphasis in the sentence structure.

Just in case you're wondering Liz, here's why your humour fell flat. Your assertion that 'Omar Khadr has more class than the whole fucking cabinet' is based on the presumption that Khadr has class. He does not. If he did, the misguided little fucker wouldn't have been in Afghanistan in the first place. (Note the use of the underlying truth 'misguided' which precedes the reference to Khadr as a 'little fucker'.) If you really had wanted your audience to laugh their asses off, you could have argued that Khadr's only reason for being in Ayub Kheyl was to buy new sandals and a prayer mat. They'd still be laughing. To your credit, you are cognizant of the fact that 'the whole fucking cabinet' lacks class. This is an underlying truth for all politicians and, I fear, a prerequisite for holding public office. Self-deprecation can work in your favour here Liz, so don't be reluctant to include yourself in the same classless category as your fucking cabinet brethren.

Were I forced to guess at precisely what it was you were aiming for, I'd say you were trying to ridicule the current government for their stance on Khadr's bail hearing. You should have characterized Stephen Harper and his gaggle of loyal goose-steppers collectively as the SupposiTories because it's clear to the average Canadian that this lot have something nasty rammed up their arses. In fact, I'd go one further. The Conservatives should change their official party logo to a huge fucking condom given their fiscal policy endeavours to destroy the next generation, they're all a bunch of dicks and their only real contribution is to provide a modest sense of security while we're getting screwed.

You probably could have criticized the Harper government for having questioned the wisdom of the judicial decision which granted Khadr bail. Notwithstanding the fact that judges base their decisions more on what they had for breakfast than on the actual law itself, they do, mercifully, arrive at the correct decision at least 50% of the time. Take, for instance, the Supreme Court decision in Sauve' which, in 2000, granted inmates the right to vote. The Supremes' held that denying inmates the franchise was an affront to their constitutional guarantee; an argument which the vagaries of legal minutia would seem to sustain. The truth of the matter, Liz, is that inmates were granted the right to vote because judges felt inmates were best qualified to cast ballots for their ethical peers.

Many Canadians want to know if you ever sent Lisa Raitt a big thank you note for dragging your sorry ass off the fucking stage. You see Liz, once again I utilize the technique: underlying truth (Lisa Raitt saving you from further embarrassment), the pejorative (your sorry ass) and the profane (off the fucking stage) to drive the point home. Of course it would have been a helluva lot funnier if she'd have used a huge mothering Shepherd's staff to yank you off stage just like they do in the cartoons so perhaps Raitt could benefit from my advice as well.

In closing Liz, let me say that it's been a real pleasure to provide you with a few simple humour techniques quid pro quo. Although in your case, and because politicians are spineless jellyfish, perhaps squid pro quo is apropos. I'd be happy to provide ongoing comedic consultative services to address your obvious shortcomings. At $1500 a day, I can save you a lot of fucking grief next time you get tired, guzzle wine and find yourself opening your gob."

Submitted by "Big Banana" Bob Loblaw, 16 May 2015