Frank's arm

Image of St. Francis Xavier's severed arm Have you ever noticed that some of the sickest, most depraved bastards in this world are often characterized by their neighbours as being quiet or having odd behaviours? If you were to find out that the quiet guy who lived next door had a severed arm in his fridge which he'd take out to worship from time to time, would you think that to be a normal, rational behaviour? Or would you, like any reasonable person, conclude that Buddy was one sick fucker who likely should be committed?

Surprise, surprise; not only does Buddy live next door, but he's the Catholic Church! This week the severed arm of St. Francis Xavier will come to Ottawa, wrapping up its whirlwind month-long tour of Canada. Good old Frank, a 16th-century Catholic missionary, is rumoured to have baptized more than 100,000 faithful with his right hand. The missionary's pious brethren, so impressed by Frank's devotion and dedication, saw fit to have the serial splasher, or at least a part of him, preserved for posterity. According to Wikipedia, Frank's right forearm "was detached by Superior General Claudio Acquaviva in 1614. It has been displayed since in a silver reliquary at the main Jesuit church in Rome". A reliquary, in case you're wondering, is essentially a nice way of saying "Holy Tupperware"... Not only is Frank's arm kept fresh, but it's also incased so some poor little hungry dog doesn't take it for a bone.

It's not too difficult to imagine the twisted thought patterns that may have led up to Frank's arm being severed. Afterall, we are talking about an era when Galileo would have been put to death had he not recanted his assertion that the earth revolved around the sun. The fate of Frank's arm then, should not be too much of a leap.

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"He was such a good man. A committed patron and a dedicated servant." one of the missionaries commented.

"Yes," a second Monk responded approvingly, "a Saintly man."

"We should honour him accordingly for he was, as you say, Saintly." offered another.

"Yes," said the first reaffirming, "Truly Saintly. A devout dedicated man. Indeed, we should honour him in a special way."

"We could erect a magnificent cathedral to honor him!" offered the second Monk.

"No," objected the first, "we do not have the gold for extravagance. And there are many poor to feed and clothe."

"We could commission a great statue!" offered the second Monk.

"No," countered the third, "it may be construed as idolic. And if not heretical, surely it would take much time."

"What then shall we do to honour him?" asked the first, "are there any other suggestions?"

A quiet Monk, sitting at the back, overcome with grief and heavily immersed in sacramental wine chimed in. "Let's cut the fucker's arm off. We'll cut if off, put it in some Holy Tupperware and ship it all around the world so he can continue doing God's will."

Submitted by "Big Banana" Bob Loblaw, 01 February 2018