There's an app for that

Image of road sign depicting man farting In all probability, it's the juvenile side of my personality; I still find fart sounds funny. And, when it comes to making fart sounds, rest assured, "There's an app for that!". A quick search of the Google Play Store reveals a cornucopia of apps designed to satiate the appetite of the flatulence afficionado. There's Ape Studio's Fart Machine app, which promises to deliver "hilarious low maturity fart sound effects" in "high quality stereo". "In class, in church or on the bus", iGreen Software asserts its Fart Button "is just funny".

There's Xenoke's Fart Piano, the Wearable Android Fart Transmitter Waft, Syntax Nova's "specially designed Fart Blaster, BN Infotech's Whoopee Cushion and Fart My Phone to name just a few. Should I ever get the urge to develop Android apps, I suspect my first endeavour would be Bluetooth Angel, a bluetooth-enabled crapplication which would allow the user to emit fart sounds from their device remotely. (Note to self: Try to find an SMS app which, when installed, will cause the device to emit loud fart sounds when incoming text messages arrive. This will make a wonderful addition to a mother-in-law's phone that can be put into action when she's out having lunch with the girls from church.)

But is there really an app for everything? Well, unfortunately no... there isn't. There are apps for managing passwords, apps for banking, apps for shopping, apps for streaming music, apps for streaming video, apps for bus schedules, apps that turn your phone into a flashlight or dictionary, apps that provide scheduling, apps to remind you to do things, apps to wake you up, news apps, telephone apps, texting apps, networking apps and the list goes on. A few weeks ago, I was saddened to learn that the younger brother of an old acquaintance had passed away some six years ago. He was only 37. That got me to thinking... what sort of apps are available with respect to death notices and obituaries? Can any of them deliver what I'm looking for?

Image of a dead stick man face

I'm looking for an app to put some FUN into FUNeral. I don't need an app that tells me when close friends or family pass away. If they're close, I'd know it. Sort of like when you drop an air conditioner on your big toe. The impact is great, proximal and it hurts like hell. I don't need an app to tell me the obvious. I'm looking for an app which scrapes obituary websites and watches for the names of a small group of people that I don't like, have harmed me or caused me great sadness or grief. This, I'm please to say, is a very short list.

I'm thinking I need an app called "Are They Dead Yet?". It's a simple concept... You merely enter the names and locations of those select individuals who have attained the station of fuckwit on your acquaintance balance sheet. When the dark shadow of death takes his due, a condition the app will be made aware of, a notification will pop up and your device will start playing Pharrell Williams' Happy, Steam's Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye, Queen's Another One Bites The Dust or perhaps something simple and generic like Chopin's Death March.

Of course the other side of the coin is that quite often apps are developed when, arguably, none are needed or perhaps even desirable. I am referring, in this instance, to the live streams of CBC Radio. This summer I will find myself at a cabin in the rural Ontario woods where the only access to the Internet will be using a dial-up connection. I will not be able to receive Ottawa's 91.5 on the FM dial and, since data roaming is off by default on my Android device, apps which require Internet access are rendered useless. I will, however, be able to access many of CBC's stations, including CBC Radio 1 Ottawa, if I simply connect my computer to the dial-up connection and open up a browser to any of the following links:

Sure, there's an app for that, but often old technology just works....

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Image CBC Radio logo CBC Radio is the English-language radio operations of the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. The CBC operates a number of radio networks serving different audiences and programming niches. CBC Radio operates three English language networks. CBC Radio One: Primarily news and information, Radio One broadcasts to most communities across Canada. Until 1997, it was known simply as "CBC Radio". CBC Music: Broadcasts an adult music format with a variety of genres, with the classical genre generally restricted to midday hours. Until 2018, it was known as "CBC Radio 2". CBC Radio 3: Broadcasts a youth-oriented indie rock format on Internet radio and Sirius XM Radio. Some content from Radio 3 was also broadcast as weekend programming on Radio Two until March 2007.

You do not need any special software, apps or tools to access CBC Radio One and CBC Radio Two. All that you need is an Internet connection and a web-browser. The following links will provide you access to various stations across the country. If you happen to be out of Canada and find these links are not working, you may wish to use a VPN or proxy server to circumvent geo-blocking if/where/as needed.

CBC Radio One

Calgary, Alberta: Listen

Cape Breton, Nova Scotia: Listen

Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island: Listen

Corner Brook, Newfoundland: Listen

Edmontron, Alberta: Listen

Fredericton, New Brunswick: Listen

Grand Falls - Gander, Newfoundland: Listen

Halifax, Nova Scotia: Listen

Iqaluit, Nunavit: Listen

Inuvik, Northwest Terriotires: Listen

Kamloops, British Colubia: Listen

Kelowna, British Columbia: Listen

Kitchener-Waterloo, Ontario: Listen

Labrador, Newfoundland: Listen

London, Ontario: Listen

Moncton, New Brunswick: Listen

Montreal, Quebec: Listen

Nord Quebec, Quebec: Listen

Ottawa, Ontario: Listen

Prince George, British Columbia: Listen

Quebec City, Quebec: Listen

Regina, Saskatchewan: Listen

Saint John, New Brunswick: Listen

Saskatoon, Saskatchewan: Listen

St. John's, Newfoundland: Listen

Sudbury, Ontario: Listen

Thunder Bay, Ontario: Listen

Toronto, Ontario: Listen

Vancouver, British Columbia: Listen

Victoria, British Columbia: Listen

Whitehorse, Yukon: Listen

Windsor, Ontairo: Listen

Winnipeg, Manitoba: Listen

Yellowknife, Northwest Territories: Listen


Edmonton, Alberta: Listen

Halifax, Nova Scotia: Listen

Toronto, Ontario: Listen

Vancouver, British Columbia: Listen

Winnipeg,Manitoba: Listen

Submitted by Mike Oxzor, 02 May 2018