Upstanding Members of Parliament

Image of Maxime Bernier Former Conservative MP Maxime Bernier, a runner-up in the 2017 supposiTory leadership race, bid farewell to the party in August, calling his former party and its members "morally and intellectually corrupt". There's an interesting mix of comedy and hypocrisy in Bernier's assertions about his former colleagues given that good old Maxime fell on his sword back in 2008 for a serious security breach after leaving secret documents in his girlfriend's bedroom. I can't help but wonder if his slipshoddy actions as Foreign Affairs Minister, or the reports that the chick he was banging had ties to the criminal underworld biker gangs, represent either morally upstanding or intellectually superior behaviour by Bernier. But wait, it gets much, much better....

Bernier has created a brand new Federal political party to fill the moral and intellectual void: the People's Party of Canada. Bernier is, of course, the self-appointed leader of the PPC, proclaiming himself as "a dependable politician" who "once ran 106 km across his constituency completing the run in 13 hours". (Gee that's nice Max, you can run. Can you juggle, play the zither or touch your forehead with your tongue as well?) But wait, there's more gobsmacking afoot....

Image of PPC logo Earlier this month, in an effort to elevate the party's morally superior standing, or at a minimum give the appearance of propriety, the new party is requesting riding association members to sign a value pledge promising they will not to bring the PPC into disrepute. According to a CBC report, the document read "I pledge that I have done or said nothing in the past, and will do or say nothing in the future, that would embarrass the party". Presumably, if leaving top secret documents in a bikerchick's boudoir is de rigueur, then Jerry Bance, the 2012 Conservative candidate for the Toronto-area riding of Scarborough-Rouge Park who was caught on camera pissing in a homeowner's coffee mug, should have no problem finding a home in the new People's Party of Canada. (Given the high standards set by the party leader, I can't help but think it will come to be known as the Poutine Party of Canada.

Image of Tony Clement But wait... the hits just kept on coming (or in this case cumming) once Tony Clement whipped out his Louisville Slugger and stepped up to the batter's box. Clement, Conservative MP representing the riding of Parry Sound - Muskoka in Ottawa, tendered his resignation in early November and was subsequently booted out of the party by mid-November following his revelations of a sextortion scandal.

It would seem that the career politician has been embracing social media in a manner that any reasonable person might find highly questionable. More specifically, it has been alleged that good old Tony was actively engaging women in sordid exchanges over social media platforms and had, in fact, shared explicit photos and videos of his naughty bits. "Over the last three weeks, I have shared sexually explicit images and a video of myself to someone who I believed was a consenting female recipient," Clement's prepared statement read. "The recipient was, in fact, an individual or party who targeted me for the purpose of financial extortion."

Of course what coincided with Clement's announcement and resignation was RCMP involvement in an effort to apprehend the opportunistic scoundrels who had taken advantage of poor Tony's lack of judgement and sexting predilections. By late January, Canadian media reported that the RCMP were working in conjunction with the authorities of Ivory Coast who had arrested two black nationals posing as the white woman "in search of love" who had lured poor Tony into the $75,000 extortion scheme. The whole sordid affair raises several questions.

How much has the investigation into Tony Clement's dick pic scandal cost the Canadian taxpayers?

When moronic skiers, hikers or snowboarders ignore posted warning signs and take to perilous restricted areas subsequently becoming stranded requiring rescue, the cost associated with their extraction may be invoiced directly to them. Given that Tony the parliamentarians were advised of such risks in advance, would it be should Tony be handed a bill for the costs?

When the two black Ivory Coast nationals, posing as a white woman, received the images of Tony's writhing python, did they point in astonishment and exclaim "Oh my Gawds! Look at the size of that thing?"

And finally, what possible words of wisdom might Andrew Scheer have offered when poor Tony picked up the phone to fill him in on his transgressions?

As chance would have it, I have a couple of thoughts on what Andrew might have said just prior to asking for Tony's resignation...

"Tony, Tony, Tony... you're only supposed to send pictures of the CAUCUS!"

"Tony, Tony, Tony... party policy is that we send photos of ourselves as upstanding members. Not photos of our upstanding members."

If there's any irony in the Clement "dick pic" affair, it's that poor Tony seemed to have found an unlikely defender in Woman's Rights Advocate Julie Lalonde. Lalonde, commenting on Clement and his expulsion from the Tory caucus, tweeted "If you think anyone who cheats or anyone who sends nudes can't hold political office because they set themselves up to be extorted or made into a national security issue, I'm truly astounded by your naivety about human sexual behaviour. Like wow." and, according to a CBC report, expressed the view that " if Clement were a woman, she doubts people would have reacted to the sexting the same way".

Image of the Simpson's Principal Seymour Skinner and Milhouse Van Houten

I have to call bullshit on both of Julie's claims. Tony didn't have an office fling with someone from work, afternoon tete a tetes with a neighbour or play "hide the salami" with some strumpet from the hotel cocktail bar. He sent dick pics to a virtual fabrication, conjured up by a couple of black guys in West Africa. About the only thing more astoundingly stupid than Tony sending nude pics to someone whose very existence could not be verified would be his belief that images of meat that's been hanging around since the days of Diefenbaker would be of interest to anyone outside of the Smithsonian. (If nudes of Elizabeth May ever appear in my inbox I'd slit my fucking wrists.). As for Julie's ascertain that a woman would be treated differently: "Bzzzzzt! She'd be an idiot too just like Clement."

I'm not going to waste any more time on Julie Lalonde because she, like any other Twitter persona, could ostensibly be fictitious. But since I"m on the topic of fictitious characters, is it just me or does Tony Clement bear an uncanny resemblance to the Simpson's Milhouse Van Houten? When I heard the news that Scheer was giving Clement the boot for his dick pic escapades the only thought that came to mind was Principal Skinner expelling Milhouse for the same sharing sensitivities.

Submitted by "Big Banana" Bob Loblaw, 31 January 2019